long time no blog.

So it feels like it has been years and years that i have blogged. But I have missed it so, and I have realized that I would love to get back into it. So, alot has happened and I am not sure that I can fit it all in here, but I will surly try my hardest.
Within the last two weeks, I have had a wakeup call, Ashley had told me that I needed to not only continue working on my physical boundries with Michael but my emotional ones as well, which I am sure as you can imagine. Is not an easy feat, not one for me and not one for Michael.
This meant stopping the I love yous, stopping the talk about marriage, stopping talking so much, and hanging out so much.
Honestly, when I had things talk with him, I thought that he was going to get mad.. but shockingly he didn't.
And with a little hinting from me, about wanting to start new, he asked me out again. Promising me that this time we will try our hardest to get our boundaries in check.
Now, here I am not going to lie. I will tell you that we have said the I love you, a couple of times within the passed week, and it is a hard thing to stop. I am sure that you can imagine why, we said it at almost every hello, every goodbye, and even sometimes every between. It was a way of habbit, and it was leaving us NO room to grow more emotionally (Which makes us explore other things if you know what I am getting at), it was loosing meaning. So as you can imagine it is hard to suppress those feelings, and hard to hold them back. However, we have done very good at it if you ask me, and the times that we have slipped up, have not been times of trying to break our boundries, but just falling into the habbit of it. And I don't know if that makes it better or worse, but either way that is where we are and that is where we will be. In turn with keeping our emotional boundaries in check, since we have been nicer to each other, beacuse we don't get to take back everything we say with the i love you, we have not had a bad fight since we have started working on this. Which is a big thing for him and I.
Aside from the emotional boundaries, me and Michael have been doing great at keeping our physical boundaries, not a desire or anything. Which I am happy about.

Jessica, oh Jessica Jessica. I am in a completely different place with this girl then I was since my last time of blogging. Jessica is the girl that I was supposed to be co-leading small group with. But before I knew it, she always had an excuse not to come, and I was left being the one and only leader. Which is hard, but I did like it. She was making me so angry with the things that she was doing because, she was hurting the girls. It wasn't that she made the commitment to me that said that she would be helping, it was that she made the commitment to the girls, and there she was up and leaving them, like I am sure many other people have done in their lives. And then Jessica would complain about the girls not treating her with respect, and not listening to her. When I wanted to look at her in the face and tell her that the girls were not respecting her, because she didn't respect them. But now, since our youth group has had our meeting, and we have all shared our feelings about numerous subjects, Jessica is now helping me to lead the small group. And, I have found something in her that I never thought that I would find. She has been a friend, a companion, she has inspired me at times when I wanted to give up, she has just been there through a lot. Don't worry friend no one will ever take your place :). But, she has supported me, and told me that I am not like Bev, which is nice because sometimes in her effort to convince everyone else that we are the same person, she has seemed to convinced me as well, which is such a battle for me, because I would never want to put anyone through the hurt that she has put me through. But, I got off subject. Anyways, I am glad that my girls now have another leader, and that someone is there to help them through the things that they are going through. And she came up with a good idea, that we would get journals for the girls, and have them write to us with stuff that they needed help with, and we wold write back. And I have done that this week. &I think me and her getting closer, is going to bring my small group together, and eventually it is going to become our small group again. And I am very excited for that.

So now with Bev, ahh she surprised us all hasn't she. Uh, that girl. I wish I could just change her mind for her, save her from all of this. My hear hurst for her soooo much. :\ I want my old Bev back, I want her to be happy, and I mean not the fake happy that she is now. I want her to be really truly happy, well I am off now.:) chowwww!♥